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5.19.05
Pond Scum: Our Survey Said - Part 1
By Steve Finbow
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For Pond Scum this week and next, I conducted a little experiment, with all my British and European friends, and some Antipodeans (they’re the ones with the long termite-seeking proboscises): I sent a questionnaire on America. The results can be found below along with some analysis by yours truly. I have had to edit some of the entries. A few of my friends took it upon themselves to try to be witty and I wanted this to be an empirical and impartial survey. To be honest, if any of the comments had been in the least bit humorous I would have stolen them and incorporated them into this column.
Art By Nicholas Allanach
This week, I’ll focus on things American and next week on American people. The first question I asked was: Describe Americans using three adjectives. The survey said – you’re fat, you’re loud, you spree kill in a crowd. Actually, the first two came on top of the poll garnering seven entries each, and the third is a lie made up by me because it rhymed. Aggressive you’re not – but you are arrogant and brash, blinkered and ignorant, stupid and idiotic, opinionated yet misinformed, complacent and deluded, and geographically and personally large. But on the plus side (and I don’t mean size) you were happy and positive – two each – hospitable and generous, patriotic and idealistic, ambitious and aspirational, much maligned and healthy (?). What does this tell us? If we look at the plus side, it tells us that some of the Old World views the New World in a nostalgic way – America is still inviting, confident, modern, thrusting. It is still an America of pioneers, of space rockets, of polar-white teeth, of Charles Atlas pecs, you are all wrapped in Old Glory, singing, “We would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin’ in, you’re all invited back again to this locality, to have a heapin’ helpin’ of our hospitality, American that is.” You’re modern but you’re not post-modern. I think us Brits and Europeans believe Americans are fat, loud-mouthed idiots – the idea of an American is the cliché of the American tourist. Americans who travel are metonyms for Americans as a whole.
When asked to name three things typically American, top of the survey came cars – Cadillacs, Chevvies, yellow taxis – this is an embedded memory of tailfins and hot rods, probably more an accurate description of Mexico City or Havana than the streets of Detroit today. In second place was baseball – I doubt many of my friends have any idea of the rules of baseball. It took me a year or so to work out what was going on and, although not as puzzling as our cricket rules – I struggle with these – I watched baseball never really sure of what was going on. Again, I think this is a mythic view of America rather than an experiential one. Your landmarks get a mention – the Statue of Liberty garnering three votes. There was mention of American language, ‘Have a nice day,’ the fact that you say ‘pants’ instead of ‘trousers’ and the only reason I can think of for this is that whoever decided it was writing an Anglo-American farce at the time. In third place came comestibles, and this brings us nicely to another question I asked: Name three American foodstuffs. The winner – just – was the hamburger, in all its varieties. But the burger is a global food – McDonald’s, Burger King and, my favourite, Wendy’s, and The Brits probably quaff as many burgers per head as Americans do. In second place was the hot dog. I believe this to be a truly American food, though there are German versions that are fantastic. But the hot dog has never really taken off here, probably because it has the word ‘dog’ in it, and the English are obsessed with anything canine. Tied third were Oreos, pretzels, and grits. Now, I’m sorry, but none of my friends know what grits are and if served with fish and chips they still wouldn’t eat them – I mean, it’s just milled corn kernels, it’s like having oatmeal with everything, it’s just not appetising. There were no votes, I’m sorry to say, for chitlins – which always sounds to me like a boy band from Tennessee.
I also asked people to name three American states. I think we did quite well in this – California came out on top, but that’s probably because of the television programmes we watch. New York came a distant second – more to do with New York City methinks rather than, say, Albany or Scarsdale. Third came Texas. But we managed to name 26 states. I’m not sure Americans could name 26 English counties. Actually, I’m not sure I could. I also asked people where they would like to live and gave them a contrast and compare choice of New York or London, San Francisco or Brighton, and Chicago or Manchester. Maybe it was the wording, or maybe my friends are thick, or were drunk, but this question confused them and some just picked random cities. Reading between the lines, the winners were London, San Francisco, and Manchester. Now just to needle a few of my friends, I’d rather live in Bloody Dick Montana than Manchester.
So, what does the first part of the survey tell us about Americans or, more precisely, how we Brits (and Europeans and die-hard Colonials) view America and Americans? Well, we think you’re fat – that’s because you drive around in cars all day, go to baseball games where you sit on your fat asses and eat hamburgers and hot dogs and drink Coca-Cola. If this is true, if this is the American norm, then the person who represents the dark underbelly of the USA is surely Moby. You’re loud and brash but you’re not aggressive or violent. I was shocked that there was only one mention of guns and one mention of war. And what I think of as quintessentially American hardly got a mention – big foam hands.
These are my answers: Three adjectives – talkative, gauche, insular. Three things American – baseball, Hollywood, Colt 45s (malt liquor or gun?). Three American foodstuffs – hot dogs, jambalaya, Coca-Cola. Three American states – California, Florida, Alaska. Where would I live? New York, San Francisco, Chicago. Hypocritical? Me?
In the next Pond Scum, I’ll look at how the survey dealt with your presidents, writers, artists, and musicians. To sum up next week, I’ll construct out of the answers to the question ‘use one word to describe America’ a ridiculous twenty-adjectives-a-penny sentence to limn America in all its gory glory.
Click here to read previous Pond Scum columns.-------------------------------------
Steve Finbow writes out of London, England. He has worked for the poet Allen Ginsberg, the writer Victor Bockris, and the artist Richard Long. His fiction, essays, and short plays appear, or will appear, in Eyeshot, 3am Magazine, Yankee Pot Roast, uber, Locus Novus, InkPot, Dicey Brown, The Guardian Online, and Pindeldyboz. He is currently working on a novel (Yeah, right). He can be contacted here.
© 2005 Me Three
