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Me and Old Granny

By Brandon Hunter Murphy

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My father left for work early that morning. He worked at a local farm and helped get the eggs to come out of the chickens. One time I got to go with him and got to hold a chicken and twist it’s neck. My mother also left early that morning to go and teach all of those kids with the funny looking faces. I went to work with her, but when I tried to twist one of those kid’s necks, I got politely asked to leave. The point is that my parents were gone, and they left it up to me to get off to school on my own.

Leave it up to me to take advantage of this great responsibility and play a little hooky. My friend Sanchez, he did it all the time so I figured, why shouldn’t I? I looked up to Sanchez in any way that a boy would to another kid whose parents were divorced and let him do anything that he wanted. My parents hated me playing with Sanchez because he used to bring a Rambo knife when he would come over to play.

I’d been blasting ‘Guns and Roses’ all morning while jumping on the couch and smoking my dad’s Winston Light cigarettes. (Boy, would Sanchez have been proud!) I was pretending that I was a crazy circus performer that smoked cigarettes all day long, but still made a good buck doing tricks for the locals that came to see the show. I was swinging from the chandelier like a crazed junky when I flipped backwards and nearly broke my ass on the floor. I think I was unconscious for about a minute. When I finally came to, I was upside down on the floor with my face smashed up against the window facing my front yard. That’s when I first saw her.

It looked like she was sleeping on the sidewalk in front of my house, and I thought that it was kind of strange. I’d never seen anyone sleeping on the sidewalk before, especially no one as old and wrinkly as the Old Granny that was actually out there, doin’ it. I immediately got up off the floor, put on my boots, and ran outside to see her.

“Hey Old Granny. Wake up. Wake up.”

She was fast asleep like a buzzard that had been scoping out prey all day long in a field.

“Hey Old Granny. You can’t sleep out here, it’s dangerous.”

That’s no lie either. It was dangerous. My parents had just moved to a lower rent district in town and lately some of the natives were getting restless.

Man, she just wasn’t waking up, and I tried everything. I poked her with a stick. I shouted in her ear. I even gave her a ‘wet-willy’ and that always works, at least at any sleepover that I’d ever been to. Finally I realized that I’d have to just go ahead and kick her.

“Wake up, you old turd!”

Nothing. Not even a slight muscle spasm.

I scratched my head.

“I can’t just let her sleep out here.”

I knew that my parents weren’t going to be home for a good while, so I figured I could bring her inside and let her sleep in their bed for a while so she could get enough rest to walk back to the retirement home. I ran inside and put on my father’s back brace that he uses to load his truck. I mean I wanted to be nice, but I also didn’t want to throw my back out trying to lift some heavy shit-bag like Old Granny. I went back outside and started at it.

At first I tried dragging her by her feet, but I got too good a look up a dress that I didn’t need to be looking up, so I did what any sensible young man would do…I dragged her by her neck. Boy was she heavy. Heavier than anything I’d ever lifted before. Heavier than a sack of wild deer shit, but it felt good knowing that I was doing a good deed. I dragged her up the front steps and got a strange look from one of my neighbors.

“Mind your own damn business, would ya’!”

They had obviously never had to help a sleeping Old Granny off to safety before.

I couldn’t wait to tell Sanchez. I was so excited I nearly crapped myself. By the time I got her into my parent’s bed, I thought I was going to collapse from exhaustion, I mean I was that tired. I lifted her into bed and decided to take a little nap next to her like I used to do with my own Granny before she died of kidney failure. Unfortunately for me, I slept a little bit too long for my own good.

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There were two things that I never understood about that day. I mean yes, I was caught red-handed playing hooky, so I did take a good tanning from my old man. Still though, I couldn’t understand why my mother screamed so loud when she first walked in on me sleeping next to Old Granny. I also couldn’t figure out how Old Granny had enough air to breath in that black bag that those two handsome men in white uniforms carried her out in.

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Brandon Murphy was born and raised in New York and New Orleans. He is a writer and artist. Brandon lives and works in New York and New Orleans. Some of his work can be accessed on www.brandonmurphy.net.

© 2004 Me Three