8.18.04
What’s Your Issue: Young Republicans Speak Up
With Chris Fara1
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Name:
Winston Sperling
Hometown: Far Hills, NJ
Profession: Trust Fund Manager
Main Issue: Healthcare
Brief Bio: As a pharmaceutical valley native, Winston
enjoys everything from boat collecting to hosting major benefits for charities
such as The American Red Cross and Christians for Life. He supports George
Bush for a myriad of humanitarian reasons, but most notably because of
the administration’s successful persuasion of the AARP into endorsing
policies that benefit Novartus, the company which has bankrolled his father
ever since Win was born in a lowly apartment in Jersey City twenty-two
years ago (a past this debutante escort hastily remembers). He looks forward
to when he can live with his money in peace, and when he won’t have
to drive through cities like Trenton to get to Manhattan for a night of
horizontal mirrors and anorexic blond vixens.
Quotation:
“I remember this one very angry man on television talking about
how the government shouldn’t have a relationship with pharmaceutical
corporations. It just doesn’t make sense. If the government didn’t
make policies that enabled companies like Novartus to make lots of money
– then how would these companies make capital to donate to the politicians?”
Name:
Jenna Bush
Hometown: Crawford, TX
Profession: Campaign Prop
Main Issue: Education
Brief Bio: A graduate of the finest private schools the
south has to offer, Jenna went on to The University of Texas. There she
was chastised by the press for indulging in the sort of hedonistic activities
that her father enjoyed during his own parentally subsidized hurrah. Her
twin sister Barbara went to Yale, where she was also accepted as a result
of her hard work since grade school. Now that they’re both graduates,
Jenna has decided to follow her dreams and move to Harlem, where she’ll
be working in a charter school and commuting from midtown.
Quotation:
“Only in America could the daughter of a popular politician find
it in her heart to help underprivileged ghetto children while her father
was hard at work on the campaign trail. God bless the United States.”
Name:
Donald McHenry
Hometown: Wiltonville, KA
Profession: Truck Driver/Amateur Wrestler
Main Issue: Foreign Policy
Brief Bio: More than anything else, Donald enjoys listening
to ABC radio as he moves shipments across the country. Not a fan of reading
the paper, except for the occasional USA Today sports section, he relies
on mostly Hannity and Limbaugh to keep him up to date. Ever since President
Bush’s post 9/11 call to everyday citizens to assist in the war
on terror, Donald has taken his calling seriously. Just last month he
pistol-whipped a suspicious looking Indian woman who was sitting in the
passenger seat of a mini-van at his local Taco Bell.
Quotation:
“I have just one question to ask all you pessimistic liberals. Is
the world better off with Saddam Hussein out of command? Huh? Of course
we are. That’s the only thing that matters so go back to your coffee
shops.”
Name:
Hirsch Manning
Hometown: Darien, CT
Profession: Financial Analyst
Main Issue: Family Values
Brief Bio: Despite his exclusive upbringing, Hirsh has
had a difficult life. As a sophomore at Choate Rosemary Hall, he was expelled
for smoking pot in his dormitory. As a punishment, his parents sentenced
him to public school where Hirsch did three years. His father, Clayton
Manning, is a Senior Executive at Goldman Sachs, where colleagues know
him as the first to initiate young Latino receptionists. His mother, a
mainstay at the Tokeneke Country Club, is a favorite amongst the tennis
instructors. While they were busy enjoying themselves, the harsh treatment
by his parents wore badly on Hirsch during his adolescence, and he escaped
to the church for support. Through hard work and with the help of Jesus,
he managed to pull himself out of his rut and attend business school at
NYU.
Quotation:
“I believe my parents are honest people with strong conservative
values. We are a close nuclear family modeled after the intentions of
the bible. After six years living away from home, we have managed to eat
dinner in Darien at least once a week. I still look forward to seeing
what Consuela made for us to feast on.”
Name:
Dirk Jones
Hometown: Rentonsville, ID
Profession: Soldier
Main Issue: Gun Control
Brief Bio: Dirk Jones has been combing Iraq for Weapons
of Mass Destruction for almost two years. Although he’s a medic’s
assistant, he spends his free time and night watch hours looking around
corners for mustard gas and the rest of Saddam’s arsenal. Above
all, Dirk is most proud of his defense of America from the weapons he
can’t find. He has the best shot in his platoon, and most of his
comrades are deeply concerned about his militaristic rants and penchant
for unprovoked conflict.
Quotation: “You see – they want all the guns so they can control us. The Democrats, the liberals – all them fancy people in Hollywood. When that assault gun ban goes up in September Ima get me somethin’ just like I got here in Iraq. Only thing is ain’t nobody gonna be able to tell me how to use it.”
Name:
Julie Mitchell
Hometown: Upper East Side, Manhattan
Profession: New House Wife / Soon-to-be-Mother
Main Issue: Gay Marriage
Brief Bio: Raised in privileged New York City, life has
always been charming for the newlywed. Last summer Julie’s mother
ran over her puppy with the family escalade on vacation in Nantucket,
but other than that everything’s been splendid. Years at Nightingale
and Trinity School did her well, and she used her pretty face to win the
hearts of many boys along the way. These days she enjoys reading People,
In Touch, and Page Six of The New York Post. Politically, she considers
herself a social conservative, denies her own right to choose, and desperately
wants a rush on the gay marriage ban. As a result of the lesbian couple
that just moved into her building, Julie and her husband Chip are considering
relocating to Rye before the birth of their child.
Quotation: “It used to be that we had this neighborhood and the gays stayed downtown. I always said they can do whatever they want in the privacy of their own homes. It’s not that I think they shouldn’t have the same rights. It’s just that if they can get married and move wherever they want – they might have an influence on my baby. One of my best friends from Nightingale turned gay – and I just can’t take that risk for my own.”
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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City. He can be reached at fara1andonly@netscape.net.
©
2004 Me Three